Broken
by RoseLeBlanc
Summary: One shot for crayolakido413. Emily's feeling after she leaves the BAU. Please don't read unless you've watched the finale it won't make sense then and there will be some major spoilers! Please review!


**This is a one-shot for crayolakid0413; who has reviewed more then anymore else and is a supportive creative writer. PS for those of you who don't know Sergio is Emily's cat. **

The plane ride to London was silent. I was plagued with overwhelming guilt. It coursed though my veins, attacked my heart and nested in my soul.

I had left the BAU. My family.

It's been two months since I quit. Looking back I realize I used that time to wrap up any lose ends in DC. I'd like to think I used that time to make a sensible decision. Alas I did not.

I couldn't adjust back into my old life. While I had been abroad in Paris, Moscow and many other foreign cities I had always imagined how, after a few weeks, everything would be the same again. I would easily fall back into pace with the rest of them. I couldn't though; while I was away I had gone back to a dangerous habit. I had gone back to my two years as a internationally directed spy. I was hired in '98, before JTF-12. I moved like a shadow across countries, changing my identity everyday. I skipped borders, unnoticed, like they were something much less formidable. I was a ghost. No one knew my name, my age or the true havoc I could wreck with all of the secrets I knew. I didn't write down all of the horrors I'd seen and learned about in a journal as one of my many psychologist recommended. No, I kept it all in a neat little box inside my head.

The problem was, when I was in hiding I'd fallen back on old paranoias I'd thought I had lost after I found my family in the BAU. Turns out old habits die hard. I had been an emotional wreck in DC. I was always looking over my shoulder. I didn't trust anyone to have my back. Not even them.

The worst part was, I knew, in their hearts they thought it was best if I left. I'd hurt them all so damn much! I loved them, I really did. But every second I stayed was another second of pain for them. Another second of Morgan seeing me laying on a cold warehouse floor, bleeding out. Another second of Reid not being able to say goodbye. Another second of Garcia wished she'd pushed me harder to tell her the truth. Another second of JJ wondering how I couldn't trust my best-friend, my sister; and how she couldn't trust me either. Another second of Rossi seeing his daughter's coffin being buried with cold earth and shrouded in lies. Another second of Hotch wondering how he could ever trust the person who lied about their whole life and abandoned their only family. I wouldn't make them suffer through that pain anymore.

I wrapped my arms around my sweater clad frame as the plane hit the asphalt of the foreign runway and my new 'home'. No where was home anymore. I got up roboticly with the other passengers. When I first boarded the plan I had studied each one of them. I deemed them all no threat to me.

The one glass wall of the airport normally would have amazed me. It was night time and the stars shone particularly bright. Now I bypassed it without a second look. I was on autopilot- moving to get my small amount of luggage and Sergio from the pet centre. I stopped when I noticed Clyde standing twenty feet from me. I thought about leaving now before he noticed me for I knew he would want to talk to me about things I was too tired to talk about right now. I turned on my heel to walk away but a strong hand closed on y shoulder. I had to stop myself from psychically flinching. I turned to look the mystery man in the eyes but I should have known.

It was Clyde.

"Hello." My voice my crisp and drained of any emotion.

"You might want to tone down the enthusiasm there, Love." He said smirking.

I ran one of my nail bitten hands through my straightened hair. "Look I'm just tired right now. Shouldn't you be, oh I don't k now, running Interpol right now?" My voice was biting.

He raised an eyebrow. "Well considering I run the place I can really do whatever I please to."

I sighed. "Sorry. I've a pretty crappy year and it's all catching up to me now."

"I'm sorry if this puts too much pressure on you- no one wants you to break." I frowned at his choice of words.

"You can't break something that's already broken." My voice was distant.

He had a sad look on his face and, without a word, he picked up my suitcase. "Cute cat." He said dryly. I made a weird noise that was something of a mix between a laugh and a sigh.

-CM-

Half of an hour later I sat in the pre-furnished apartment that I had signed up for in DC. Clyde asked me if I wanted to talk and I said maybe later- which was a complete lie- and then he left.

Amber liquid sloshed in my glass as I walked over to the large window on the north side of the building. Serg mewed then went to sleep. I stood there looking out that window sipping scotch for a long time. How long I wasn't sure but a grey dawn had started to bud in the sky.

I didn't feel the guilt anymore, in fact I didn't feel anything at all. I had turned off my emotions. The emotions that missed my team, missed Declan and missed girls nights with JJ and Garcia. I turned on the CIA operative. The one who killed without remorse, took bullshit from no one and had a cold outer shell that would never break.

I looked out the window to see the grey had morphed into a brilliant pink and orange starburst. I hoped I could warm up here. Be happy. And maybe just maybe, forgive myself.


End file.
